Thoughts from One of Our Own……

On September 27th, 2017, I finally said out loud what happened to me. Although my particular case is not necessarily typical for our line of work, because it is grossly under-reported, however medical research backs up the efficacy of weighted blankets to include some issues that apply directly to myself such as anxiety, PTSD, and sleep issues/nightmares. I grew up with Dissociative Disorder and Stockholm Syndrome as survival instincts which made me accept abuse from someone that claimed they cared about me. I am a product of a parent that will tell you, “I quit beating her because she quit crying, so I had to find other ways to punish her.” Mind you, I was a pretty good kid… I finally became old enough to realize I had a choice and ran away from home. I thought I was free of that kind of abuse until it broadsided me relatively recently because I trusted the wrong person and didn’t listen to the right people. For several months, I was dating someone, and I finally got tired of their narcissistic tendencies. I wanted to break up, and I foolishly agreed to meet them at their residence to “talk things over”. Without going into too many uncomfortable details, I was forcibly assaulted and had to physically fight my way out of the situation. I bolted and immediately tried to pretend it didn’t happen; even responded to a call a couple of hours after the incident. I didn’t want to deal with it, so I just didn’t acknowledge it. I just kept telling myself, “that didn’t happen…” For your information, let me tell you what I was wearing. I was wearing jeans, a belt, a long sleeved shirt, and a fleece pullover. I also had a coat, scarf, and beanie cap. It was freezing that night where you could see your breath. The sky was clear, and the stars were amazing! I accept a lot of criticism from people in some aspects of life, but never for the rest of my life will I ever accept that this was my fault. I did that for a long time, like I somehow deserved it, and it almost got me committed for suicidal tendencies. I paid my price and just hope I am around to see what karma has in store.

Apparently one goes through the same grieving process as losing a loved one, and I couldn’t handle any more grief. Six months after the assault, or maybe even before, my anxiety became visible to those around me, and I started having panic attacks doing the most benign tasks. It didn’t make sense to me why I couldn’t function. Simple things like washing the shampoo out of my hair BEFORE exiting the shower became like astrophysics to me, and things that should have only taken a few minutes took entirely too long, if they were completed at all. I started seeing a therapist by suggestion of Gerald, because he said, “I know something is wrong, and you don’t have to tell me, but you need to tell someone.” I went to a therapist and realized that I needed more specialized assistance than talk therapy. That person spoke more about their own problems to me and made me feel worse every session. Not everyone is a match. Thankfully, I was accepted into a program at MUSC for PTSD. They have a very detailed and structured program that evaluated a plethora of different types of mental traumas. The line of questioning was so thorough and delicate, I didn’t realize I was telling them I was raped until after I had already said it. They kept me in the office for several hours debriefing me. It sucked more than I can put into words. This was September 2017, and this is when I crumbled. A couple of weeks later, I vaguely remember calling Gerald on the way home from the Upstate in October, because I was choosing to run away from life yet again. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to deal with the path ahead. I profoundly recall him telling me, (after meeting me at an exit off the interstate in Dorchester County because I didn’t want to cross the Berkeley County line), “You need help, we need to fix this, because I don’t know what I would do without you.” I went home and finally filed a police report. As far as I know the case is still open, and will probably never lead to an arrest because my delay in reporting it destroyed any physical evidence. So, ladies and gentlemen, learn from my mistake that almost destroyed me and hurt a lot of people that care about me. Like Momma told me when she learned of it in October, “If someone hurts you, tell us immediately and don’t try to handle things on your own.” I am 37 years old, and I know that I will always need an adultier adult.

The beginning of November, I began EMDR therapy with Amanda Custer. In January, bless her soul… we made fantastic breakthroughs, squashed negative affiliations, I told her I almost feel like me again and she said, “Well, Mary… it’s a pleasure to finally meet you!” We worked hard to get there. She retired in February, so I had a deadline to meet in order to get my life straight. Six months of therapy later, two sessions a week, which both concluded early last month, (February 2018), over a hundred hours of clinical time logged to clean up this mess in my mind… I am a new person! I am not the person I was prior to December 31st, 2016, and the many months after. I am stronger, confident, and determined to enjoy life while attempting to make a difference in other people’s lives. I run two tiny businesses, am slowly becoming active in my fire department once again, participate with the Support Team more, started EMT school, (since I let that lapse over a decade ago), and spend much more time with the people I love. I verbalize my thoughts and feelings while trying to allow things to process in a healthy way. It’s a Godsend and at the same time so unfortunate how many people picked up on what I was dealing with last fall, reached out to me, and told me their story of the same thing happening to them. It’s an unspoken bond where you can just be in their presence say, “I get it”, and know your pain isn’t your own. It is okay to share your heartbreaks and burdens. If you need help, with anything big or small…please ask. Don’t fall as far as I did. It takes longer to put together the broken pieces if you wait until everything is spinning out of control. I know I matter, and you do too! XOXO